I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
