I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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