she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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