My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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