I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
