Ambien. No doubt about it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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