You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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