Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
