Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
