Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
