He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
