I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
God, I missed his penis.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
