Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
