So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
