yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I will pee on everything he values.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
