if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
