need another drink. this is the easiest way
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
