She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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