If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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