it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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