I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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