I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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