i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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