careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
