You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
