I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
