Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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