Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
