I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
