meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
