i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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