I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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