Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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