so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
