He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
