Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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