Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
the liver wants what the liver wants
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
