Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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