Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
