6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
