im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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