youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
