I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
