sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
