girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
