I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
