No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sext me about skeletons
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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