if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
