Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
