I think I am morally bankrupt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
