I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
