I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
