He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
pop tarts are not kleenex
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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