I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
